Information for Friends & Relatives

If you think a man you know is experiencing domestic violence

If you suspect or come to realise that a family member, friend or work colleague is experiencing domestic violence it may be difficult to know what to do. For parents and other close relatives it can be very upsetting to think that someone is hurting a person you love and your first instinct may be to protect your loved one and stop the abuse, but this isn’t always possible. To intervene can be dangerous but to ignore it can be equally dangerous for the victim. If you witness an assault you can call the police on 999.

The following information is designed to inform you about what domestic violence is and how you can help a male relative, friend or colleague who may be experiencing it.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence takes many forms: it can be physical, psychological, sexual or financial abuse. It takes place within an intimate relationship and forms a pattern of bullying and controlling behaviour. If a man is forced to alter his behaviour because he is frightened of his partner’s reaction, it is likely he is being abused. Anyone can experience domestic violence – it can happen in all kinds of relationships, regardless of age, race, sex, sexuality, disability, wealth, geography and lifestyle. It is rarely a one-off event. Physical and sexual abuse tends to get more severe and happen more often over time.

Domestic violence destroys both the lives of all involved.

It is helpful to remember that:

Domestic violence is a crime – it is unacceptable.
Domestic violence is very common. Statistics indicate that significant numbers of men do experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives. Male victims, like female victims may live with domestic violence for years before they tell anyone or seek help.
Domestic violence is very dangerous. Two women a week are killed by a current or former partner; in 90% of incidents children are in the same or next room; domestic violence accounts for 25% of all recorded violent crime.
All people have the right to live without fear of violence and abuse.
The abuser is solely responsible for their abusive behaviour. The victim is not to blame; violence is a choice the abuser makes.

What might an abused man be feeling and experiencing?

An abused man is often overwhelmed by fear, which can govern his every move – a fear of: further violence, the unknown, his safety and the safety of their children – do not underestimate the effects of fear.
Victims often believe that they are at fault and that by changing their behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case
He may experience a conflict of emotions. He may love his partner, but hate the violence and abuse. He may live in hope that his abuser’s ‘good side’ will reappear.
He may be dependent upon his partner, emotionally and financially.
He may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment.
He may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about his future

So what can you do to support him ?

Talk to him and help him to open up. You may have to try several times before he will confide in you
Try to be direct and start by saying something like, “I’m worried about you because …..” or “I’m concerned about your safety…”
Do not judge him.
Listen to and believe what he tells you – often people do not believe a man when he first discloses abuse.
Reassure him that the abuse is not his fault and that you are there for him.
Don’t tell him to leave or criticise him for staying. Although you may want him to leave, he has to make that decision in his own time.
Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused person often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support.
Focus on supporting him and building his self confidence.
Acknowledge his strengths and frequently remind him that he is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation.
An abused person is often very isolated and has no meaningful support – help them to develop or to keep up their outside contacts. This will help boost their self esteem.
If he has not spoken to anyone else, encourage him to seek the help of a local domestic violence agency that understands what he is going through and offers specialist counselling and support.
Be patient. It takes time for a someone to recognise they are being abused. Recognising the problem is an important first step.

Helping a man and his children to keep safe

A victim’s safety and the safety of their children is paramount.
Talk to him about how he and the children can keep safe.
Help him to stay safe:
- Agree a code word or action that is only known to you both so he can signal when he is in danger and cannot access help himself.
- Don’t make plans for him yourself, but encourage him to think about his safety more closely as he may not realise the danger he is in.
- Find out information about local services for him; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place so that he can access them quickly in an emergency.
Help him to keep the children safe.
Remember that it isn’t the children’s responsibility to protect their father. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.

Emergency support

Encourage him to call the MALE Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 801 0327. The Helpline is run by trained staff and offers practical and emotional support to all men, irrespective of sexuality. The Helpline can, if necessary, find emergency accommodation.

Further information can be found on the our website www.mensadviceline.org.uk

Remember, domestic violence isn't a private matter between two people, it is against the law and it is everybody's business.

Helping a victim may save their life.

Acknowledgement

This information is based on information provided by: Refuge, Women’s Aid and the Greater London Domestic Violence Project.